The Study

TheStudy

heart rate
outta control
chest pain severe
ambulance ride
State Capital
don’t know
anyone here
I am alone
scared now
one week
cardiac unit
monitored
every second
pin pricks
too many
new bruises over
my entire body
pin pricks on top

too many IV’s
I used to make them
nitroglycerin Sub Q
looks to be
clean this place
they say
“it’s the best”
looks clean
everywhere but for
inside my room
panic room
for employees
across from me
birds eye view
one man dies
I see and hear
needle stick
veins collapse
not many left
needle digging
butterfly clip
blood draw
six times a day
and at night
nothing for sleep
too loud
suffering now
no mobile phone
no Kindle no IPad
nothing to read
panic sets in
“shut my door
turn out the lights”

what now to draw upon
sliding back in
cannot breathe
cannot do this
must
slipping away
I am alone
feeling diminished
no one to help
only a study
to them
“HELP!”
tech’s voice
says “breathe”

shots for pain
abscess on hips
heparin drip
running out of
places to stick
back of my hands
only veins left
there is the
draw just below
my thumb
don’t trust many
to hit it
taking too much of me
dissolving here
too many shots
in my gut
hep drip is gone
needle stick instead
turning me
into a cushion
hurting all over
I was battered
I am bruised numb
and needles on top
of all this

brain scan
pet scan
iodine allergy
dosed
cat scan lungs
there is
a spot
histoplasmosis
dosed again
echocardiogram
MRI heart
abnormal reading
MRI of my gut
prednisone
Benadryl
IV push
cumming hard
flooded with
radiation
burning me
where only my man
should be
synesthesia on top

“Another test?”
“redoing some” plural
paranoia onset
outdated machine
cannot take it
message from brain
“crawl the fuck out”
thought override
claustrophobia’s here
I’m pushing out
because of one thought
everything stops
patient check
soothing words
“half way done
20 more minutes inside”
“I can’t” I say
“you must” he responds

what now to draw upon
sliding back in
cannot breathe
cannot do this
must
slipping away
I am alone
feeling terror
no one to help
only a study
to them
“HELP!”
tech’s voice
ordering “breathe”

going back in
clanking begins
guided imagery
“the grass
the meteor shower
the fire pit
lacing my fingers
with his
he answers
with squeeze
the stars
please hold my hand
the beach
salt and sand
I smell
the sea and fish”
I am speaking aloud
they can all hear
what was a whisper
is now a loud mantra
“Pink Floyd
wish you were here
or dark side of the moon?”
audio finally identified
I am inside it

I scream “Pink Floyd!”
as I shiver
“oh god no
here it comes”
a hot seed exploding
inside my womanhood
I’m gasping
my voice rising
“the fire ring
your hand your fingers
don’t let go of me!
the stars the fireball
whooshes before eyes
I’m in my backyard
on the grass
green and blue tail
with yellow and orange
it made the softest
of sounds
as it passed us
this comet my word
it was beautiful
your hands your fingers
mine lacing you back
hotter now “no don’t
oh no oh god no”
I scream
“I’m cumming”
repeatedly

don’t care what
anyone thinks
more radiation
now filling me
and I don’t want
any of this
I only want him
by our fire ring
“red hot embers
smoke reaching my
olfactory memory
the tendrils”
I think to myself
“breathe deep
ten more minutes left”
tech speak
“I will die
in this place
I can’t
I smell smoke”
I feel fire
inside me
I’ve become it

what now to draw upon
nothing left of me
sliding back in
cannot breathe
can’t do this
but must
slipping away
now I’m alone
I am burning
no one to help
only a study
to them
“Help me!” mind scream
tech’s voice
“breathe;
almost finished Kathleen
you’re a good study”
he says to me
and I scream

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